I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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