So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
