That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
