hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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