The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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