I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
