the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
