i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
