I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
