I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
