I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize