recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
