new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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