the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
