we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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