i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
