Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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