Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
