we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
two words: eviction party
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize