i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
