I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
