neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
