I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
