my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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