i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
