i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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