he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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