In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
