obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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