we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
