lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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