On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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