If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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