I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
