So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize