I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
