he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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