Welp...herpes.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
