How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
