I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
