I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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