They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
