The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
