I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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