The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
