I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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