He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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