Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
