yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
