i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I deserve this hangover.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
