he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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