you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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