So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
