things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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