Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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