using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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